Are You Passive Aggressive?

You want something but are under the impression that if you ask for it directly, you will be accused of being selfish. You are angry at a colleague but instead of speaking to him, you post a veiled remark on Twitter. This is the behaviour of a passive aggressive person and damages even the healthiest relationships.

If you’re passive aggressive, it would be best to overcome this so you could lead a happier life with healthier personal and professional relationships. But it may be hard to identify these traits in yourself. Here are some signs that you’re a passive aggressive person:

1. You are deliberately ambiguous in the way you speak. Your words don’t usually match how you feel or even how you act in relation to an issue. For instance, you may feel taken advantage of in a group project, but instead of speaking up, you say “It’s fine,” which misleads the other members of the group.

2. You don’t accept responsibility for anything. Instead of being clear you say things like “Oh my, I forgot.” For example, you “forgot” that it was your turn to bring the drinks to an event your group of friends or colleagues normally has every week.

3. You are never wrong. It is always someone else’s fault that you could not fulfil your commitments. A case in point would be “I did not finish my part of the group project because my mom wanted me to do something for her,” when you know full well if you had managed your time better you could have done both.

4. You are always the innocent victim. If someone approaches you with concerns of your behaviour, you find excuses: “I did not mean to cause harm to the group; it’s everyone else’s fault because of how they treated me,” and so on.

Being passive aggressive can make it hard to have healthy relationships

Being passive aggressive is unhealthy and shows an inability to deal directly with conflict. This can allow feelings of resentment, anger and disappointment to fester for years. This could lead to self-destructive behaviour and attempts to “get-back” at others for perceived or real insults.

Is it too late to overcome your passive aggressive traits? Absolutely not. These steps could help you leave this behaviour behind.

1. Learn what your needs are and how to express them respectfully. You can say what you want without being selfish or disrespectful. Having wants is not selfish. However, if you swallow your desires without speaking up, the eruption that can happen over the course of time will sound selfish and turn off even the most beloved among your family and friends.

2. You can have a different viewpoint from someone else and it not be a big deal. There is value to your opinion and you must respect the worth of other’s people’s views. When there is a disagreement in viewpoints simply state yours, allow them to state theirs and if there is no consensus, agree to disagree and maintain the mutual respect for each other.

3. Stop handicapping your own progress along with that of others. Often times we don’t approach someone directly with our issues, but will take the first chance to badmouth them in front of someone who may also be in a relationship with them or be able to help them in some way. This not only has the potential of damaging their relationships and reputation but it also makes you seem untrustworthy, bitter and vengeful and could handicap your own progress. If you find yourself doing this, STOP! Take a step back, and review and approach the situation in a way that you would want someone to treat you.

4. Stop playing the victim. Learn to take responsibility for your actions and take a proactive stance to each situation. Instead of adopting the “woe is me”/wait and see approach, learn what you can do to improve the situation, take the initiative and do it.

It won’t be easy overcoming these issues but it will be worth the rewards in terms of personal growth and development and the improvement of your relationships.