Overcome Excessive Shyness

The very thought of speaking in public even to people she knows causes Regina to descend into an emotional tailspin. She is afraid of saying something wrong or making a mistake and becoming the laughing stock of the event. Her apprehension is not limited to public speaking engagements. It extends to one-on-one interactions as well. She is afraid that the person she is speaking with would not like her or find her interesting and ignore her. Furthermore, her internal turmoil is mirrored on the outside. The sweaty palms and forehead and her visible trembles all betray her obvious discomfort.

Regina suffers from excessive shyness. While more than fifty percent of adults consider themselves to be shy, their shyness is nothing like that suffered by people like Regina everyday. Those who are excessively shy tend to be extremely focused on themselves and more self-conscious than other people. They evaluate themselves particularly negatively and can be harsher on themselves than others would be on them.

Shyness Impacts lifestyle

Being this shy has potentially negative effects on your life. There is tremendous difficulty in meeting people and maintaining conversations as you are uncomfortable with yourself and your ability which cripples your interpersonal skills. You often end up being taken advantage of because you have a hard time asserting yourself.

The effects could go even further than this as excessively shy people can have problems finding a job and getting promotions. Excessive shyness can hold you back from advancing personally and professionally, because you can miss the chance to benefit from perfect social and networking conditions due to your extreme inability to form connections with others.

Not only does it rob you of personal opportunities for advancement but it fools people into believing that you may be aloof and unfriendly. They do not understand the fear that motivates your shyness.

Reasons for excessive shyness

The core of excessive shyness is one’s fear of being proven to be inadequate. This fear leads you to believe that should you try something and fail, people will think less of you, therefore you become reserved and shy away from new people and new situations that can enhance your life. 

There are several reasons for this shyness.

1. Weak self-image - the belief that you don’t have any good or admirable qualities which would cause you to believe that no one would be interested in knowing you.

2. Preoccupation with self - in the presence of others you become too sensitive of your actions. You question everything you do wondering “what did I do wrong?” The issue with this is that others are often times not scrutinising you as harshly as you think they are. They are often too caught up in their own insecurities to notice yours.

3. Life experience - A traumatic experience at a young age such as ostracising or excessive teasing as a child can cause you to become tremendously self-conscious and shy in the future. As an adult, getting divorced, laid off or moving to a new city can cause shyness to develop.

4. Upbringing – Suffering physical, mental, emotional or verbal abuse leads someone to question their worth to themselves and to others. Secondly, overprotecting a child can also cause them to become overcautious and unsure of how to handle new people and unfamiliar circumstances.

Overcoming excessive shyness

Extreme shyness is something that must be overcome if you want to achieve the goals you have set for yourself.

1. Understand the reason for your shyness – whether it is from the list above or another reason. You may do this by writing a journal to gather why you feel the way you do. This would help you to focus on ridding yourself of those insecurities and issues to become more confident.

2. Recognise your strengths – take time to determine what your qualities, talents and strengths are, whether it is in your generosity or art or determination. This is a method of building your self-esteem and helps you realise that your are equally worthy of respect and can make a significant contribution to your circle of influence should you give yourself the chance to do so.

3. Accept yourself – learn to love yourself the way you are. You have unique qualities and characteristics that makes you who you are. This will give you the confidence to communicate more efficiently and take advantage of the opportunities that come your way.

4. Learn to motivate yourself. Set goals for yourself and visualise what you want to accomplish by overcoming your shyness. This way intermittently you can track your progress and formulate new strategy to suit.

5. Start small. Practice certain social situations that you are uncomfortable with using people you know. Incorporate things like eye-contact, confident body language and small talk. Doing this with people you are most comfortable with will help build confidence so that you can branch out eventually to do it with others you may not be familiar with. If then you find you can’t approach someone on the first try, give them a warm smile and a friendly hello.

6.  Think of conversation starters and rehearse what you are going to say - Rehearsing conversation starters in the mirror helps you judge the inflection of your voice, your body language and practice the best ways of saying something to someone before you approach them. Practice speaking and walking confidently in the privacy of your own home until you feel comfortable to practice it in public. This way if something does go wrong you can remain calm and confident.

7. Don’t take every slight personally. Sometimes someone does something to us that we think was a deliberate slight when the majority of the time it was nothing of the sort. When someone reacts to you negatively it is not always about you. They may also be going through their own personal issues and insecurities. So as hard as it may seem shake it off and move on. Don’t blame yourself and don’t dwell on it.

8. Realise that people are not that different from you. They are also struggling with their insecurities and concerns and would more often than not welcome a conversation with you.

9. Join a group or organisation that shares your interests. Whether it is a church or community group, a sports or dance group, this is a great way to break out of your shell and meet people who share common interests with you. This way it is easier to form conversations as you can always start with your similar interests.

10. Focus on yourself less. When you go out to an event or have to speak to someone, place the focus on them and what is interesting about them. Be genuinely interested in other people. This may seem easier said than done. But doing this takes some of the pressure off yourself and you are free to be yourself and to relax and enjoy the conversation.

The above list is by no means exhaustive but it will get you up and on the road to a confident, self-assured life.

As with any other obstacle, extreme shyness will not be defeated until you confront it. Therefore, if you are tired of robbing yourself of success and meaningful relationships and experiences, take up the challenge and do all you can to regain your life.