Living In The Now

“….I could really use some coffee I’m exhausted... he used to get coffee for me every morning. I cannot believe that asshole broke up with me. I mean he was lucky to have a great woman like me in his life. Well I guess I can be a little annoying…could I really be that bad? …”

This is a sample of my unraveling mind after a break up. The break up that I had been dreading/ avoiding like the plague. When it finally happened there was a constant war being waged in my mind between the shoulda, woulda, coulda’s of the past and my ‘doomed’ future of loneliness. My mind replayed stories where I happened to be the victim, the hero and the villain all at once. It was through this experience that I realized my mind was extremely creative but was also my source of suffering.

During these times I was going through the motions. I went to class, had lunch with friends while continuously having those aforementioned thoughts. This is typical. Although we are physically present, our mind is often absent. We tend to be stuck between the things that have passed and the fear of what’s to come. One day in my funk, I couldn’t help wondering what would happen if I stopped wishing things were different or ignoring everyone and everything in front of me. I found my answer in the principles of mindfulness and I now know that I was missing everything - the present… the only reality that truly exists.

According to Kabat-Zinn (the guru of mindfulness), we become mindful when we are able to “pay attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment”. When we focus on the present we are observing our thoughts and the many interpretations and labels we place on things. Also, we are able to fully experience our feelings (even the ones we want to avoid) and we are strengthening our capacity to cope. Here are some tips of how to be mindful when times get rough:

Be the observer. When we are stressed and anxious it becomes difficult to simply stop thinking. Instead of forcing positive mantras and affirmations against the tidal waves of restless thoughts …try to become the observer. By becoming quiet and watching your thoughts as if reading them on a blank page, we are detaching ourselves from the stress that these thoughts surely bring. At some point you find that your thoughts have begun to slow down. When we mindlessly follow our mind’s chatter we give up our power to choose.

Just breathe. Breathing is the simplest form of bringing us back to the present. Focusing on your breath can be done throughout the day when you feel overwhelmed. Our breath is constant and a reminder that we are right here… right now.

Give yourself some space. When our mind is working double time on things that create feelings of fear or anxiety it is important to create space between your thoughts and your actions. In our fit of rage we can quickly react emotionally and/or irrationally. Therefore, when you are on the verge of reacting, take the time to be aware of how your body feels. Do you feel a churning in your stomach? Is your heart beating faster? These feelings can be cues to recognizing when your thoughts are overshadowing the present moment. Acknowledging the sensations in your body offers the opportunity to completely experience your emotions rather than exerting them on someone else. This can be the difference between me crying over my ex, dealing with the pain within, and sending him 30 emotional/unforgiveable text messages. Which would you choose?

“Ya gotta feel to heal.” Although it seems rational to avoid feeling hurt, our avoidance tends to create more pain. Throughout my break up I wasted a lot of energy trying not to be sad, which made me even sadder. Talk about frustrating. It is extremely beneficial to sit with your emotions whether they are pleasant or unpleasant. When we become present to how we feel we are given the chance to heal. Usually our feelings are intense but when we choose to confront our emotions the seemingly never-ending storm tends to die down. When we face our fear of feeling we have the capability to expand as individuals. Remember there is a valuable lesson hiding behind every dilemma; it’s up to you to find /want it... right now.