Claiming Your Independence (When You Have Controlling Parents)

Recently, I had a discussion about what leads a parent to become controlling even into his/her offspring’s adulthood. The consensus was basically that a parent's fear that a.) the child would develop into a wayward member of society; b.) that the child would not be as the parent imagined or hoped; or c.) that the child would bring the family into disrepute may lead to such controlling behaviour.

These fears lead a parent to attempt to have control of the appearance, hobbies, eating habits, outings and choice of friends of their offspring. These tactics may cause some people to fall in line with their parents’ expectations and sometimes perfectionist standards. However, for many others, the controlling often sends them into a tailspin of rebellion.

Being overly controlled may have negative consequences, including stunted personal growth; lack of self-awareness (you don’t know who you are nor your place in this world); inability to develop strong long-lasting relationships with others; the feeling of being a social outcast; extreme shyness; constantly putting others’ needs before your own; excessive indecision; and a fear of pursuing your own dreams among other things. While it may seem wrong to challenge your parents, there is a respectful yet determined way to break free of their control while freeing yourself from its negative effects.

You have to break free from over-controlling parents as you enter adulthood but remember their behaviour is usually a misguided form of showing their love.

Step 1: Identify whether your parents are actually over-controlling. A parent may be strict: requiring respect, obedience and compliance to certain rules of consideration within their household, e.g. doing homework and cleaning up after yourself. However, this is not the sign of an overly controlling parent. This is a parent actually doing their job in creating the perfect conditions for you to grow and learn while still having them as a cushion for any mistakes you may make. The stamp of a controlling parent is if they try to micro-manage your life. That is, they decide where you go to university; what kind of career you have; who or what type of person your significant other may be; the friends you keep etc. The truly controlling parent rarely lets their child make their own decisions.

Step 2: Understand that your parents control may not be coming from a place of malice. Rather, it may be due to the guilt of having to work or be absent for much of your childhood and trying to show they care by interfering in your decisions. They may also have been accustomed to making choices and being in control from childhood and thus do not know how to let go of such control. Their great fear is becoming a burden in your life.

Step 3: There is a need for you to mature and develop by making your own decisions and mistakes. Thus, you need to handle this sometimes delicate situation carefully. You may want to speak to someone you trust who may have a knowledge of your parents and the situation, and who can advise what the best action is for moving forward given your distinct conditions. This may be the guidance counsellor or advisor at your school or college, or a pastor or therapist at church. This should make it easier to speak directly and calmly to your parents about your concerns of their behaviour.

Step 4: Take steps towards becoming financially independent. Get a job and start paying for your tuition, school supplies, and recreational activities. The drastic step of living on your own (as an adult) may be necessary to remove yourself from their need to control you. Gaining your independence will show your parents your ability to make your own choices, even if you stumble along the way. It is time for you to make the choice to live your life as you see fit!

Claim your independence as this is necessary for your personal growth and achieving your goals.