How To Deal With A Controlling Boyfriend

He wants to know where you are every minute of every day and with whom. If you change plans at the last minute, there is a court case as to why they were changed so suddenly. He wants to determine when and where you will spend your time apart from work or school. He wants to control your appearance, your speech, your behaviour and who you associate with. He tries to make you feel guilty for any little transgression (even if it is something that you were unaware of). He belittles you in front of other people or continuously tries to make you feel bad about yourself. He checks your phone to see who you have been calling or texting. It’s so bad that you are petrified of doing things that would make him lose his temper.

This may sound like a bad drama on television. However, this is the blueprint of controlling relationships that either you or someone you know has been involved in. The amazing thing is that the majority of young women in these types of relationships remain with their controlling boyfriend even though they clearly recognise the signs or are warned by friends and family about the behaviour of the partner. Some hope that the relationship can be salvaged and become better without needing to leave the boyfriend. However, in most cases, the relationship does not get better but deteriorates to the point of emotional and/or physical abuse. Therefore, you would want to think seriously about the worth of this person to you to accept them treating you in this manner.

Let’s now consider several ways that you can deal with this relationship.

1. Understand the cause. Some people who feel the need to control others have issues rooted in narcissism, low self-esteem, childhood abuse or trauma or due to parental examples growing up. A previous relationship may have soured due to betrayal of trust, which would then carry through to the way he treats you now. Some have no obvious root to their controlling nature. Knowing which category your partner falls under will help you decide whether the relationship can be salvaged and these issues dealt with as a couple or whether you need to remove yourself from the relationship.

2.  The next step is to decide whether you are willing to compromise based on the cause of the controlling relationship. However, you must not be the only one compromising in the relationship. He must also be willing to compromise and trust you in order for there to be any improvement in the relationship. Of course, there must be communication on your part to inform him that you find his behaviour controlling and that it makes you uncomfortable. This way you give him the chance to adjust his behaviour in case he had not realised the severity of his actions and the effect they were having on you.

3. Should you feel overwhelmed by the control exerted by your partner, you may want to as individuals or a couple seek counselling to determine the best course of action. If you determine that the love you have for this individual is so strong that you want to work on your relationship, speaking with a professional will help address all the issues that led to your partner’s behaviour.

4. You may need to make the decision to leave the relationship. If there is no change or your boyfriend refuses to compromise, move on. There are times when the best efforts can’t change a relationship for the better and moving forward without your controlling boyfriend would be best to establish a healthier, happier you.