Emotional Abuse Leaves Deeply Hidden Scars

To say the Rihanna/Chris Brown incident earlier this year created a stir would be an understatement. Everyone (well, maybe except the Bajans who heard rumours about other major fights between the famous couple) was shocked that such a beautiful and seemingly loving couple had such an ugly secret. What was good about this whole thing was that it raised awareness and generated more discussion about domestic abuse in different forums from classrooms, to gossip rags, to queen of talk Oprah's show.

Domestic abuse is a very complex issue that can be difficult to fully understand by people who haven't experienced it first-hand. What many people also fail to understand is that physical abuse is only one form of domestic abuse.

Another type that is common and more insidious is emotional abuse. Emotional abuse tends to have long-lasting effects because it erodes the victim's self-confidence, self-worth and trust in their beliefs and point of view. It leaves deep scars that can take a long time to heal.

What is emotional abuse exactly?

Emotional abuse is hard to define, partly because it is more subtle in nature, as compared to physical abuse, and many cases of emotional abuse go undetected. Nonetheless, The Counselling Center of the University of Illinois defines it as any behaviour that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal assaults. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.

We can read “clinical” definitions but we won't understand emotional abuse unless we hear first-hand accounts from victims. Both guys and girls can be victims but for this article, we'll take the female perspective. Names have been changed to protect privacy.

Deborah

My boyfriend and I have a 5 month old daughter and we just recently bought a house together. Whenever we get into arguments, he calls me crazy and worthless. Later, I have to be the one to act like nothing happened in order for things to be better, and I have to apologize or it won't change. Sometimes he just acts like nothing has happened and gets "peachy" about everything and wonders why I have such an attitude.

I can't talk to certain people, and he won't let me visit my family who lives out of town. I want to leave but I really cannot afford anything on my own. If I were to leave, he and his mother would try their hardest to get custody of my child; his mother is the last person I want raising my child.

Through it all, though, the emotional abuse left scars I don't think will ever heal.

Hope

Hope's relationship with her abuser started when she was 21 years old. At first, it was like a romantic fantasy. He came from a wealthy family and wanted to be her saviour. But as time went by, things got ugly:

Whenever I was out, he would call me and demand to know where I was. If I missed the phone call due to the lack of reception or being in a noisy crowded room, he would yell at me for it. He would spend a couple of hours forcing me to apologize to him for not picking up his calls and demanding that I not do it again. One of the lines he repeated to me every other week was "Glue the phone to your ears". He'd say that I had to drop everything I was doing. No matter if I was spending time with my family or friends or working, I had to pick up. 

I couldn't understand it. What happened to the nice guy who wanted the best for me? When he was ill, he chastised me for not buying the correct cold medication. When I made him food, he yelled at me for making something that might aggravate his sore throat. When I wrote him poems, he complained that they weren't the type of poems he enjoyed. Everything I seemed to do was wrong... I believed that I did something wrong to change his behaviour. Maybe I wasn't pretty enough, or smart enough, or eloquent enough...

With some friends' help, I finally gathered the courage to break up with him. Suddenly, he reverted to being Prince Charming again, doing all that he could to win me back and telling me that he would change, that he does have it inside of him to be a wonderful boyfriend. He used his past awesome behaviour as proof.

I fell for it. I went back and it was blissful for a few months.

Then the cycle repeated and I let it happen for 3 years.

He would lose his temper on little things like me eating and dropping crumbs in his car, me not cutting my hair into the short style he liked, me wearing heels (because it slowed me down while I was walking). All the clothes I wore had to cover me completely. I would be subjected to his anger if I had anything on that revealed a sliver of my cleavage or an inch of stomach flesh.

I gave in to many of his demands. I cut out many friendships. I always kept my hair short. I wore loose, casual clothing and always wore sneakers or flat shoes. I kept my cellphone close to me and picked it up whenever I thought he was calling.

Thankfully, Hope broke up with her boyfriend but sometimes she still has moments of emotional turmoil where she gets tempted to go back to him.

For more testimonials click here.

What are the symptoms?

According to the National Clearinghouse On Family Violence, symptoms of emotional abuse among adults include:

– fearfulness
– feelings of shame and guilt
– frequent crying
– self-blame/self-depreciation
– overly passive/compliant
– social isolation
– delay or refusal of medical treatment
– discomfort or nervousness around potential abuser
– suicide attempts or discussion
– substance abuse
– avoidance of eye contact
– other forms of abuse present or suspected

What can you do if you think your friend is a victim?

Many young women in abusive relationships are in denial, especially when it's emotionally abusive since it is not as obvious as physical abuse. If you believe your friend is a victim, you should take a delicate approach so she won't get defensive and refuse to listen to what you have to say.

Be clever and subtle. You can pretend you're doing research for a school assignment on emotional abuse and you want her opinion about some of the articles you've found on the subject. Or find some other way to show her information about emotional abuse before you share your suspicions. Hopefully, she would recognise that her new-found knowledge reflects her reality.

After you've primed her with this information, admit you believe she's in a potentially abusive relationship. Your next step depends on how she reacts. If she's angry and still in denial, give her space. You can try bringing up the subject again in the future but she has to recognise she's in a toxic relationship before anything can change.

If your friend breaks down and acknowledges that you may have a point, listen to her with an open mind. Let her know you will support her with whatever decision she makes, but you believe she should get out of the abusive relationship as soon as possible. If she agrees with you, that would be the right time to refer her to professional support services, such as a counsellor.

However, be patient. Even when someone knows she is a victim, like Hope, it may take her awhile to get out of the relationship and emotionally detach herself from her abuser.

What if you're the victim?

If you think you are a victim, remember it is not your fault; it doesn't matter who you are or what mistakes you've made, no one deserves to be abused.

You are not a freak; there are many people who are in the same situation.

Get out of the relationship as soon as you can. Emotional, sexual and financial attachments may make this difficult but ending the relationship is the most effective start to ending the cycle of abuse. The next best step is to seek professional counselling. Counselling will provide you with coping strategies so you can heal and move on with your life.

Helpful Resources:

1. A passionate and informative rant about what it's like to be emotionally abused: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml
2. A look at the effects of emotional abuse and how people perceive abuse perpetuated by women against men: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_abuse#Effects_of_emotional_abuse
3. Take this quiz to find out if you're a victim (Note: This cannot operate as a substitute for a professional assessment): http://compassionpower.com/EmotionalAbuseQuiz.php
4. A community of patients, family members and friends dedicated to dealing with Emotional Abuse together: http://www.mdjunction.com/emotional-abuse