I Am A Bad Friend: How Do I Change?

“You never miss the water till the well runs dry.” Many of us use this saying to refer to someone we feel does not appreciate us. Sometimes this saying represents how we have treated our friends and loved ones. At other times, we have refused to apologise or make amends because of pride or taking them for granted. It is not until they stop communicating with us or something happens to them do we realise how badly we have treated our “dear” friends.

Realising that you are a bad friend and taking steps to improve, calls for some serious soul searching and determination. Here are some earmarks of a bad friend and suggestions to overcome these if you recognise any in yourself.

Jealousy: You are jealous of the good things that happen to your friend or any of his or her accomplishments.

Suggestion: Determine the cause of your jealousy. It may be insecurity over your friend’s accomplishments compared to yours or fear of no longer being needed or valued. At this point, take a step back and control your emotions. Confront the causes of the jealousy whether they be fear, insecurity or some other cause. Stop drawing comparisons between yourself and your friend and allow yourself to be happy for him or her. Affirm your self-worth to yourself and love who you are.

Resentment: If you resent your friend for one particular reason then you can find yourself becoming bitter over time if this resentment is not dealt with in a timely fashion.

Suggestion: Review the reasons for your friendship. This person had to have some qualities that drew you to him or her in the first place or maybe it’s a shared childhood or experience. Determine whether the bond you have is strong enough to survive the event that caused the resentment. If you determine that it is, you just may have to separate yourself from the friendship until you can let go of the resentment. Make the reason for your separation clear to your friend so that there is no misunderstanding.

Doormat syndrome: You treat your friend or allow your friend to treat you like a doormat. You use or allow yourself to be used without the voice of opposition or the chance for reciprocation. This is unhealthy in a relationship and if either side allows it to continue they are being a bad friend.

Suggestion: If you realise that this is the case, remind yourself that friendship is a two-way street. If you are the one treated like a doormat, become more assertive and tell your friend that you will no longer be treated that way while assuring him or her that you will still be there for them as much as reasonably possible. If that person does not understand, maybe this was not the friendship you thought it was and you should walk away.

If you are the one treating your friend like a doormat, apologise to your friend and assure him or her that you will value them from this point on and make a valiant effort to fulfil your promise.

It’s all about me: If this is your attitude you are disrespecting your friend’s feelings and showing that you don’t really care about your friend’s experiences. You won’t keep friends very long with this attitude.

Suggestion: Get over yourself. This might be the time for some tough self-love. You should realise that the world does not revolve around you. While you are important in a friendship, or any relationship for that matter, you should always realise that the other people involved are equally important. If you realise that you have been behaving this way, change your behaviour pattern. Start asking your friend about his or her day, go see the movie that he or she wants to see for a change. Essentially, let your friend see that you are appreciating him or her as a person and most importantly his or her contribution to your life.

Absent in need: When your friend is in need you “disappear”. This is the sign of someone who was using his or her friend in the first place.

Suggestion: Re-evaluate your friendship. This may be the case where although you called yourself a friend you were not really friends. Therefore, you need to determine whether you will keep the title of friend and show up and apologise for your absence or allow the ‘friendship’ to run its course.

You only contact your friend when you need something: Your friend knows not to expect a call from you unless you need something or something is wrong in your life.

Suggestion: If you recognise this trait you need to start showing your friend that you are not a user. If you are a user, you need to confront that personality trait and do some behavioural modification.

One is able to have redemption from being a bad friend if you show genuine regret and are able to change the way that you treat your friends. When considering how to treat your friends remember this: Be considerate and treat your friends the way you want them to treat you.