Opportunity Knocks

In the midst of asses full of cellulite, dimple-splattered thighs and bikini tops stretched to maximum capacity to support saggy breasts, she stood tall. Water glistened and trickled down smooth suntan-lotioned legs, yet her steps were so delicate that they barely left a footprint in the sodden sand. Her strong, muscled thighs clenched and contracted as she fought with the strong current and when the waves crashed, so did my heart. I knew I had found my queen.

She sat in the shadow of a palm tree and lusciously licked the salt from her lips. I stared at the little pink piece of temptation, just begging me to submit and I knew that I had to make a move. I got up and stretched to accentuate my abs, just in case she had noticed me, and vigorously shook my long locks. Women liked to see that sort of thing.

I decided to go over and say hello, but when I got close to her I just jogged straight past and sat under a nearby piece of rock. I was afraid.

The last time that I had approached a beautiful woman at the beach, I had been a gangly youth in my early twenties, and I had shyly said hello to a cute girl who was tanning in the sun. Upset that I had disturbed her slumber, she had lambasted me so loudly and creatively, that dozens of men left their domino tables and rum bottles to come and observe the slaughtering.

I chided myself for being a coward and mentally prepared to approach the woman. When I glanced at her she was taking a sip of what looked like peanut punch, and a little drop of the creamy liquid dangled on her lips before it disappeared between them. My entire repertoire of pick up lines vanished along with that drop of fluid.

She settled down on a towel and I would have been captivated for hours by the thick mound between her legs if a big, red crab hadn’t stopped right in my line of vision. It looked up at me accusingly with beady black eyes, because surely it had a clear view of the extent of my desire from below in the hole in the sand. It was making me nervous with that disapproving glare, and to make matters worse, it scurried across to the woman and parked right next to her foot as if to protect her.

I interpreted the strange behaviour from the crab as a sign from God that I should leave the woman alone and spent the next twenty minutes or so concentrating on finishing my push ups. Finally, sweating and breathing heavily I sat up, and just curiously glanced to see if the woman was still there. She was…and she was staring at me…with an inviting smile.

She wanted me! She really wanted me! A huge grin spread across my face, and I arched my eyebrow and gave her the ‘eye’. She laughed. From that moment I knew it was a done deal and that I had her in my clutches. I stood up to claim my prize, and she was rising to meet me when she accidentally slipped on the crab that was still waiting by her feet. She screamed, fell spread-eagled onto the sand, and a tiny testicle popped out from below her panty shorts.

Time stopped.

As I jogged quickly away I couldn’t help but grin. Opportunity knocked once. Good thing I didn’t answer.